Life Lessons from Bachata Dancing
A lot of what happens in dance world rhymes with what goes on in the real world. So here are some life lessons that I learned through the prism of dancing.
In the past year I’ve become quite the bachata dancer.
A lot of what happens in dance world rhymes with what goes on in the real world. So here are some life lessons that I learned through the prism of dancing.
1 It’s an illusion — Bachata is a sensual dance, especially in recent years. It raises onlookers’ eyebrows because of how sexual the dance looks. But here is saying I heard that is too good not to share here “If it looks sexual, you’re doing it right. If it feels sexual, you’re doing it wrong.” Calm down folks it’s just a dance.
2 Hugs are the best drugs — Once you’re properly involved with your local dance community, you’re going to see familiar friendly faces at every gathering. These frequent, random dance encounters leave you feeling warm and fuzzy (and will form the basis of future friendships). The human contact from dancing will release oxytocin and a flood of other feel-good chemicals in your brain. It’s common practice to hug your partner after a social dance, so when you consider that humans need many hugs per day for survival, it won’t be surprising when you learn how many people have been saved by dance, both figurative and literally.
3 Don’t drink and drive - Aside from the obvious health benefits of dancing all night long, there is another health benefit of dance life: minimal drinking. In dance world, you’ll notice many healthy people of all ages who drink little to no alcohol. The German word for “leading” and “driving” are the same, führen, so in both senses of the word, you don’t want to drink and drive. Dancing leaves no room for excessive drinking because you don’t want to embarrass yourself or endanger your partners.
4 Take chances, or somebody else will — Imagine you’re at a dance festival. You see that superstar from the online videos, or maybe it’s your crush… what do you do? This is me urging you to ask them for a dance. Don’t judge yourself as not good enough. Bro, it’s a a social dance at the end of the day. Just step up and do it, or somebody else will. Put another way, somebody is going to dance with them, why not you?
5 Speak up or regret it — On the topic of leaving the comfort zone there will be times when you need to speak up, for yourself and the group. Sometimes the DJ has the music turned up to dangerous levels. Sometimes the instructor forgets to explain something important. It can be nerve racking to speak up, but that is the only way to get your needs met. More often than not, other people in the crowd share your frustration but are too shy to do anything about it. 99% of the time speaking up results in a favorable resolution, and even making friends like I did with DJ Maikiu.
6 Make your partner look good — in order to get a good result, you want to be subtle and skillful when giving feedback or asking for changes from anybody, especially your dance partner. If you’re a leader reading this, our role is to show off the lady. On the social floor, that means not doing anything to embarrass her, such as repeatedly leading moves that she can’t follow /you can’t lead yet. Dance in a way that matches her level and celebrate her beauty as it is today. And whenever giving feedback is appropriate, give it in the easiest to swallow way possible, with the assumption that things are already great, and ‘here’s an idea for how they could be even better.’
7 Share the spotlight — If you are standing on the sidelines and you see a dancing couple who is just tearing up the dance floor, MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL! Whip out that miraculous video camera built into your phone and take a video for them! They will thank you big time for it. Most likely they will be eager to return the favor for you, for example when you ask Sara Panero for a dance (and I hope you do).
8 Complements work both ways — Once upon a time I saw this 20 year old freak of nature whose bachata was light years ahead of mine (and every other non-professional at the festival). I admit to feeling some jealousy, but then I got over it and congratulated him on his epic dancing. I complimented him genuinely about his men’s styling, and he gave me some tips on how he excelled so fast (see partner up). It turns out we have some things in common and are now internet friends. It’s doubtful that I’ll ever beat him in a dance competition, but it is absolutely certain that I can learn from him, now! And now that we are bros, I’m even more happy for his success, and previous feelings of jealousy are now a distant fever dream.
9 Partner up - when I asked Artem how he got so good at bachata, he told me how: He asked around his city for partners who wanted to practice regularly. I took his advice and so far the results have been magical. Partnering up helps with dancing, but also with any goal, because your partner will hold you accountable to show up and keep putting in the work. For an example outside of dance, it was my accountability buddy who helped turn this creative idea into an actual finished product.
10 Visualizing creates magic - If you’re planning a fruitful practice session, a great party or even an ordinary day, you can make it even better by taking some time to visualize the outcome you want. This may sound like magic—and it is—but visualizing what you want just makes things fall into place. If you write it down your vision into a note—even better. If you make a checklist, even better! This is already possible with the phone that’s probably in your hand right now. I’m not saying that every single thing you write down will happen, but I am saying there will be this oddly prophetic feeling when most of what you wanted manifests. I can’t explain how this magic works, but I can assure you it’s real. If you know, you know.
11 Focus requires a filter - A lot of what is taught in group dance classes won’t work with strangers on the social floor. Have a discerning eye for what is followable to somebody who doesn’t know what to expect. Especially from amateur teachers it is best to memorize one cool move they introduce and forget the rest of the choreographed steps.
12 Good basics win! — In short, you will create a more enjoyable dance if you are confidently nailing simple moves that you’ve practiced extensively, than if you try flashy and even dangerous tricks you stole from Instagram. It can be tempting to pile on new moves instead of mastering the ones you already know, but trust me, fewer moves done well is better than many moves done poorly. It may sound boring doing the same 10 moves until you could do them on autopilot, but this frees up your mental space to focus on your partner and enjoy the dance in new ways that a busy brain just cannot.
13 Be generous — I’ve seen others (and myself) getting swept up in an obsession to only dance with the best partners at a festival. Some of this is bound to happen, but if everybody refuses to dance with beginners, the dance community will go extinct. I only came this far in bachata because some cool and generous partners were patient with me while I figured it out. I’m grateful to those crazy awesome dancers who helped me get started, so that is why I plan to dance with elite dancers (which takes audacity) and beginners (which takes generosity). I aim for both.
I’ve also seen and heard horror stories where superstar dancers are extremely lazy and/or difficult to dance with on the social floor, sometimes even wearing sunglasses! If this is you, please stop. Go take a nap come back until you are ready to dance with passion.
On the other hand, there are couples like Marius & Elena and Constantine & Diana, who are crazy generous with their energy, both in teaching and on the dance floor.
14 Attitude is everything — When learning a dance, it is easy to get so wrapped up in technique, that you forget about something more fundamental than the basic step, your attitude. I promise, it is more enjoyable to dance with a beginner who has a great attitude, than an instructor who is not even mentally present. This should offer encouragement to beginners. Sure, it could take a lifetime before you can move like Marco Espejo, but we can copy his number 1 technique without even putting on our dancing shoes, and of course I’m talking about smiling. This man dances with a million-follower-smile, so big that it can be seen from outer space! It is so contagious that you cannot watch him dance without smiling too. We can start smiling like Marco today and spread joy to every corner of the dance floor and even the world.
